Thursday, May 16, 2013

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

If it's one thing that I can't stand, it's a spider or any bug for that matter.  Four legs, six legs, and oh God eight, crawiling, flying, biting, hiding.  No.  We are not friends.  I do not want anything to do with you.  None at all.  And then there are shows like Antz, A Bug's Life, and Mrs. Spider's Sunny Patch trying to decieve us and pretend that bugs are cute and cuddly and can be our friends.  I think not.  That is some kind of foolish trickery and they won't decieve me.  There's a discerning spirit on board here. 

I've seen Eight Legged Freaks.  I don't know why.  What in the world would posses me to watch a movie about something I'm clearly terrified of only to leave shaking and traumatized?  I swear I was never the same after that.  I mean really, I couldn't even teach a class on it for my kindergarten student teaching lesson.  I had to have the lesson changed.  Nevermind the fact that my clinical supervisor could have written me up, or that my university supervisor could have easily failed me.  I just couldn't do it, wouldn't do.  Seriously, the picture of the thing was the size of half the wall and even worse it had hair on it.  The worse kind!

Well, enough background information.  Let me just tell you what happened. 

The other day, I was sitting on the sofa minding my own business.  I was relaxed and feeling ok while doing something on the computer.  Caleb was asleep, Aj was doing homework, and Cate was in the bathroom.  For the moment, it was peaceful....For the moment. 

Then Cate, with her usually jolly self, came waltzing out of the bathroom through the living area where I sat.  She smiled happily and looked at me.  But then, her gaze shifted.  It went next to me by the wall.  She stuck her finger out and pointed mouth open.  S.. S..SP...SP..SP...

What is it Cate?  Her eyes grew wider.  S..SP...SP...It was like watching Shaggy and Scooby Do stuttering and stumbling over each other when they had seen a ghost.  I'm still completely oblivious to what she is saying.  Then, she yelled "SPIDER!"


I felt like everything was happeining in slow motion.  I turned my head afraid to look.  Afraid of what might be looking at me.  Oh, God.  Where is it?  How big is it?  I turned around and there it was.  A BLACK SPIDER the size of a WATERMELON!  Okay, really it was more like a dime, but who cares.  It was a spider and it was there. 

Oh, Lord help me!  Fear not, you say?  How many times is it referenced in the Bible?  Three hundred ....ummmm.   Sooo not the case.  I'm sure my eyes shot up to twice the size of golf balls and my face had turned into some distorted form of a jack-o-lantern. I whipped back around.  It was like the scenes in the movies where something not good was about to happen and the person turns around and yells at everyone in slowed down speed:  RRRRUUUUUNNNN!  But I'm not sure if it came out.  I don't know what came out or if anything came out at all.  However, I think there was a flailing around motion with the hands.   All I know is that Cate struck out.  I'm not sure if she was running from me or the spider but I was right behind her.  Only stopping when I reached the kitchen to perform some spasmatic rendition of the Harlem Shake.  I knew it was still on the wall but I had to be for sure for sure.

I searched frantically for bug spray.  A can of Raid.  I didn't know if it was going to work.  I braced myself.  I prayed.  I didn't know what to do.   I had to get close enough to spray it and stay back far enough that it couldn't reach me.   I was almost on my tiptoes.  I didn't want it to hear me.  It started moving.

HOLY CRAP!!  It's the hopping kind.  Lord,  Jesus, I started praying harder.  I had to act fast before it got away.  It was bad enough there was a spider but Hell was sure to break lose if we lost a spider.  My stomach had some sickening feeling in it that had risen up and reached my facial espression.  I held the bottle up and sprayed.  Near half the can.  It fell.  Alrighty now, victory is mine.  I'm feeling a little bit more confortable.  But then it hopped back on the wall. 

What the....!!!  I sprayed some more.  I had flip flops on so I wasn't about to step on it.  Too close in contact.  Well after more spray, a book, a magazine, and a shoe later, I had finally won that battle.  Now all I had to do was wait until the undertaker came home from work to clean this mess up.   Yep.  Dead or Alive.  There's still a spider there.