Tuesday, February 5, 2013

What If?

Today while Caleb napped, I reflected on our journey of the outside world.  We usually go outside daily, but it's been a little too cold lately.  Ok.  I just didn't want to be cold.  We had collected rocks, and skipped them across the pond.  Well I tried.  However, instead of that cool skipping sound it was more like a "plunk." (fail)  Oh well, better luck next time.  It was such a pretty day outside.  The ducks honked a warning song alerting each other of our presence.  This in turn, prompted Caleb to enact his first security measure: holding my hand.  We picked over the rocks and flowers in the yard, and took a stroll down the empty road. Most of the neighbors were either at work or school.  We talked about everything we saw and heard, the airplanes, the cars, the the sound of the birds chirping, the bark of the dog across the field.  Second security measure now enforced:  "Hold."  It was just perfect outside. 

But with one pitfall.  All that perfect on the outside had once again prompted a nagging question.  One that has slowly crept up on me again.

"Am I perfect...on the inside?"

This may not be want you are thinking.  Six months ago, I went into the doctor's office for a routine exam and was told I had pre-cancerous cells on my cervix.  This wasn't news to me as I was told this 10 years ago with my first child.  (yeah, I was young)  Between the doctor, kind of, brushing it off and my complete lack of understanding and experience, I let it go.  And there were no later revelations made at any other routine exams, either.  But on this day, the monster had resurfaced.  I was told that I would need a biopsy and removal of the pre-cancerous cells which nearly scared me to death.  My mind was racing.  "Is it that bad?" It wasn't.  "Am I going to die?!"  No.  I cried while making the surgery appointment.  I am not a crier. 

About two weeks later, I had the procedure and all went well.  I needed a follow up in 6 months.  Because they didn't have a schedule that far in advance, I would need to call and make the appointment. Days, Weeks, and Months rolled on by as I had mostly forgotten about this wicked blow to my inner peace.  Until now. It's Here.  I knew I needed to make an appointment but fear of the unknown kept me from picking up the phone.  I thought about all the scriptures I knew related to pain, healing, crisis, and endurance.  I prayed for peace, fully aware that sometimes you get the opposite of what you pray for inorder to prepare you for what you need.  I asked myself, "What are you getting so worked up for?  "Everything will be okay, besides you were "low risk."   It'll probably be nothing."  I picked up the phone, dialed and made the appointment.  But I can't help but wonder:  What if nothing really turns out to be something?