Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Have I Become A Desperate Housewife?

I used to be obsessed with this series.  Actually, I still am.  I couldn’t resist the forever love struck clumsiness of Susan, the glamorous but empty life of Gabby, the eye opening reality that is Lynette and the perfectly imperfect Bree Van De Kamp.  I bought every season.   

But now I have to wonder was I the newest desperate housewife? 

Today was one of those days.  One of those days where I wanted to scream, cry and just give up.  It didn’t result from just today but rather a build up over time and today I just couldn’t take it.  The kids were going crazy and so was I. 

I planned a trip to the University Wildlife Center today.  Well, I kind of planned it.   I woke up annoyed because the kids don’t realize they should stay in the bed until 10 when they don’t have to go to school or that they needn’t reenact Katy Perry’s roar at 8 in the morning. 

The one that never likes to actually eat her dinner is already complaining of hunger.  No not hunger.  She’s starving.   One is busy annoying his little brother therefore causing him to complain, whine and annoy me.  It is entirely too early in the morning for this. 

I managed to make pancakes, eggs and slice apples while one still complained of hunger and Caleb has brought what seems like every toy in the house and drug it across the room.  Not to mention, the house still isn’t clean from the night before as we just did whatever to make it through the day.  I wonder how I was able to manage a classroom full of kids but on days feel like I have no control of my house. 

There have been many times where I’ve wanted to ditch them all like Lynette and just run away for a while for sake of not having a nervous breakdown.  Many times I’ve picked up the phone and called my husband asking when is he coming home.  However, for fear of sounding like an ungrateful wench, complaining of exhaustion and dysfunction, I don’t .  I am having the luxury of staying at home like so many people do not.  It hasn’t come without it’s ups and downs and sacrifices but I haven’t gone back to work.  So why complain, right?  It might be time to update my resume.

Before we had even gotten packed up and gotten to the car, the kids were arguing and complaining about something.  I thought I was going to lose it.  Arguing.  Whining.  Complaining.  Talking.  Talking too loudly.  Mommy.  Mommy. Mommy.  Mommy.  Mommy. 


 I got a last minute call to run and errand for the husband that didn’t bother me.  I’m used to it.  But the kids, so much noise.  I think my noise tolerance is diminishing with time.  Maybe it’s because there’s always noise.  Never silence. 

On the way to the bank, Caitlyn and Caleb were losing it.  What is there to whine about?  I was losing it too.  I was trying to breathe.  I was trying to pray.  I was looking for that rest God promised.  Where was it?  I needed rest.  Seriously.  Most days it’s just me and the kids.    There is rarely the quiet trip to the grocery store alone.  The days where you can actually hear what’s being said on the news.   The days where you’re not tripping over toys that said pick up twice already. 

I’m tired.  All day I’m tired.  I’ve gotten to the kind of tired where it affects your memory.  When you can’t remember what you just said.  Anything.  All the time.  I haven’t been that kind of tired since I was in school full time, working 38 hours a week, off singing this and there with the church choir, attending every function asked of me,  raising two babies, still reeling from a miscarriage and wondering if we would have enough money to cover our parents’ bills for the month.

By the time we reached the wildlife center, I felt like my head was bursting.  There was a tingling in my leg.  No doubt a likely sign that my blood pressure is skyrocketing.  I couldn’t stand the sound of anything.  I forgot school was still in at the University.  No parking anywhere.  This only added to my annoyance.  I parked the car while trying to blot out the constant calling, whining, fussing and talking in the back seat and put my head in my hand.  I changed my mind.  I was over it.  I made the detour to grandma’s.  I needed rescuing.

I try to refrain from saying act your age.  I try to refrain from yelling shut up.  I try to refrain from putting my head in my lap and crying.

But what I did do, was go home and let the kids pack up stuff to take to grandma’s.  I bought pizzas, bread sticks, chick fil a, every kind of overly processed packed filled of red dye #40 junk that a kid could want.  $50 worth.  Screw a budget.  Screw unprocessed.  Screw healthy. 

I desperately needed a break and this was how I was going to get it.  I dropped everything off, walked out the door and breathed.  The minute I walked out the door, there was this huge sense of relief.

I drove home in silence.  No radio.  Just silence.  As I entered the house I tripped over the toy drill Caleb left in the doorway.  I made my way to sofa and plunked down.  I looked at the dishes that needed to be done, the toys on the floor, and the clothes on the sofa.  Nope.  Not today.  Today, for this moment, for these few hours, it was just going to be me.