Sunday, August 18, 2013

How To Go Shopping Without Your Kids

Going to the store with all three of my children is an activity that calls for quick tricks, quick thinking and a lot of prayer. I am usually one of the ones ready to have a melt down and lay out on the floor halfway through a shopping trip. So when the rare chance comes when I actually get to go on my own, it's like a vacation. I'm outta here!

The other week, for almost one whole day, I was alone until my other half corrupted his grandma by withholding sleep, bellowing screams of catastrophic proportions, and demanding grandma to "call mama!" So for the day I had alone, I decided to go to the mall and write about it.

How to go shopping without your kids

1. Leave house in complete satisfaction that you didn't have to pack emergency clothes for you or child nor wait for anyone to find shoes or be thirtsy or hungry the minute you decide to leave.
2. Turn radio up loudest it will go without getting a noise violation and proceed to have a one woman concert.
3. Arrive at mall and wait for no one. Thank you, Jesus.
4. Walk into the mall like a BOSS. Refrain from doing celebrity wave.
5. Decide which store to visit first. Your horizons have now been opened. You will actually get to look at clothes on the rack vs. the feet hiding in them.
6. Walk into the store and realize that you're so used to buying clothes for your children that you have no idea where to go.
7. Choose section to rumble through.
8. Lady with gray hair and cane enters. Leave immediately.
9. Refrain from going to the children's section.
10. Put children's clothing item back.
11. Pick an array of clothes to try on. There's no one climbing under the door!
12. Proceed to drop half the clothes on the floor. I must be too excited.
13. Stare at self in mirror and think, "A man must have created these evil torture devices."
14. Put on dress. This looks nothing like it does on the mannequin.
15. Try to fix hair. Maybe that will help.
16. Let's try some lip gloss and eyeliner. Looks through purse to find lip gloss and crushed gold fish crackers.
17. Proceed to try on the rest of clothes. Kind of, sort of like some. Don't buy any. Exit to next store.
18. Find rack of amazing dresses and pull some. No one else is pulling any saying, Here mama.
19. Stop in shock and stare at the black mannequin next to you. Not crayon black, but one that actually appears to have a "skin tone." I suppose I've never noticed from watching the blurs of my kids "walking" in circles around the clothes racks.
20. Head to dressing room wondering why there isn't a size between medium and large.
21. Try on dress and take picture to send to hubby asking if he likes it. Surely he's not busy. Just working, that's all. Lol
22. Search for crumpled receipt in purse and pen because all of a sudden you have this great idea for a blog post on how to go shopping without kids.
23. Sit down in dressing room and start to write until you remember where you are.
24. Get dressed taking notice that you have no suprising food stains on the back of your clothes from a toddler gripping your shirt or being wrapped around your leg.
25. Check phone while leaving dressing room. Hubs likes the dress. Debates about it for a minute, then puts dress back.
26. Heads to shoe section. Oh, how I love shoes.
27. Shoes are on sale and at clearance prices! Jackpot. Let's dig in!
28. Search for size. Finds size. Looking. No. No. Ewww. Nope. No.
29. Go to the smaller shoes. Why, here are all the cute ones. Who in the world has feet this small? Anyway, no one has unstrapped their sandals and started trying on shoes.
30. Exit store. Consider binding feet. Umm, no.
31. Refrain from going into children's store. Walk quickly past.
32. Exit mall. Childfree. Nobody argued, whined, or had a meltdown to stop by the bubble gum machine. It was great. Thank you Lord. Let's go eat.