This Never Ending Story

I just sat there.  I watched passerbys happily and nonchalantly smiling and chatting on their way to their various destinations.  I sat there.  Cars pulled slowly and swiftly in and out of the parking lot as people ran their errands.  I sat there.  I could hear the sound of the twins' breathing and Cameron's light snoring from a stuffy nose.  I sat there.  I sat in my car in the Hobby Lobby parking lot and I thought and thought and thought.  I couldn't stop thinking.  What to do? What to do?  I have to do something.  We have to do something.  My head started spinning, my chest got heavy and I felt physically sick to my stomach.  "I can't breathe."

I'm tired of these stories.  I am sick and tired of them.  I want a new book.  I need there to be a better ending because there has to be a better ending then the ones I keep reading.  Isn't there?  Unarmed black man killed.  Unarmed black man killed.  Unarmed black man killed.  Unarmed black man killed.  Unarmed black man killed.  I don't want to read this book any more, but it keeps appearing.  "What are you following me for?"

The pages are so worn and brittle that I have to handle it carefully as not to further damage the intricate web of life that once emerged from it.  All those lives.  All those pages. The delicate ink has been washed away by a steady stream of tears.  I used to love to read, but I don't want to cry anymore. "I love you, too."

The cover - basic, plain, and mysterious shows its wear with bent corners and a little rough around the edges.  One that if not opened and given the chance to be understood gets overlooked and put back on the shelf to be deemed unworthy.

The spine is badly damaged but not completely broken.  It's trying to fight.  It's trying to hold on. And so stands the waves of the people steadily bent and twisted and nearly broken.  Keep holding on.  Keep standing.  Keep fighting.  "Mom, I'm going to college."

And how do I pass the book down to seedlings to obtain a knowledge that I never really wanted them to learn?  Do I read the least brutal chapter without giving them the tragic ending?  Do I even pass this battered, unbelievable, and undeniably unfair knowledge down?   We say knowledge is power until it's powerless.  "It's not real."

Oh, but this book is so real.  A long way from the prince charmings and falsified fairy tales of police reports.  The imagery so real, it's blinding.  The poignant messages scrawled upon page upon page telling me over and over again.  The underlying tone that is not spoken of, but implied.  The writing's right there, and it's making the loudest sound of all.

"........" Silence.

Speak up.  Silence.  Maybe you should read this book.  Silence.  But look right here.  Silence.  This story cannot continue to be met by silence from the comfortable looking to remain comfortable.  Stop judging it by the cover and take a moment to open it.  Silence is a door slam.  Silence is a slap in the face.  Silence is a cop out.  Silence won't change things.  Silence won't make laws.  Silence won't keep us alive.  "Why did you shoot me?" 

Well, my God America.  Is this freedom?   This is the land of the free, is it not?  The land that supposedly embraces and embodies diversity.  The land of the people that supposedly stands up and draws together under God to overcome tragedies, adversities, and injustices.   Or is that just us?  The ones of us who are fighting daily not to be the next statistic, the next news story, the next hash tag, the chapter in this never ending story?   "Don't make any sudden moves.  Don't wear a hoodie.  Don't ask for help.  Ask for permission.  Comply with the officer.  Yes mam. No mam. Yes sir.  No sir. Move slowly.  Don't run.  Don't be afraid.  Be afraid.  Don't resist.  Just do it.  Answer the questions.  Put your hands up.  Don't put your hands in your pockets.  Just do as you're told. Don't reach for anything.  Don't get your license.  Do you get your license? Don't talk back.  Don't ask questions."  But still, "that looks like a bad dude."

It doesn't stop.  I'm out of breath.  "I can't breathe. I can't breathe.  I can't breathe.  I can't breathe.  I can't breathe. Why aren't you listening?

So, You Don't Like Afro Hair

When I first started writing this post, I couldn't finish it because I was angry. I don't understand it. Why now is there so much outrage over African American hair. A black woman, on national tv, states that she thinks Afro hair is ugly. Really? Even though she has since apologized, I just don't understand why she would say that...on national tv. If she had a daughter would she say that to her? Of course, we all say something stupid sometimes half the time. I just told my kids if they didn't stop arguing and acting a fool in that backseat, I was going drop them off to the police department. Did they believe me? Likely not. ( Always, always follow through with your parental threats. lol) However, somebody somewhere probably believes those words as I'm sure some young girl or woman thinking about natural hair probably believes her words too. And then she said who would keep afro hair. That's "nasty."



Me! AJ's first haircut shortly after he turned one. I think it's beautiful. And whenever we take a trip down memory lane, AJ thinks it's pretty cool, too.

I'm sure she was probably using this as a punch line for a laugh but for the natural hair community, it was a punch in the face.

Not that black women and little girls all over the world haven't had enough pressure to look a certain way in society. Not that we haven't had self-acceptance issues and feelings of wanting to "fit in" to be the "right kind of black." I think it's sad. Relaxers and other hair products were created back in the early to mid 1900s by the likes of Garret A Morgan, Madame CJ Walker and others not only to make hair more manageable but also to make blacks appear more "socially acceptable"in society. And that's what society is telling us, that natural hair is NOT socially acceptable.

If you want to wear your hair straight, that's fine. Natural. That's fine. If you think it's ugly, that's also fine. To publicly announce it with those words with so many people watching-not fine. Think of the little girls and their impressionable minds that struggle with enough today. I've chopped my hair off for the very reason to make my own daughter, who's now 8, feel more comfortable with her hair because she started to not like hers.

However, society keeps telling us that natural hair isn't fine, like it's not normal. I've only been natural for 3 months but I remember when I got my first dirty look about my hair. Just think about what that does to a person's confidence, self image, especially our little girls. Little black girls are being pointed out and made to feel ashamed of their hair like something is wrong with them. One Ohio school banned afro puffs in their policy and said that ponytails with rubber bands were not permitted or braided hairstyles. After outrage, the school apologized and changed its policy but who does this mostly affect? Black children. Or how about the Tulsa charter school that sent the 7 year old girl home from school for wearing her hair in dreadlocks. The poor child ended up going to a different school. How can we let this happen to our children. How can we be the ones doing it? These schools are going so much to say the hair is a trend, a distraction. Let's flip this thing around for a minute.



You've seen these. Hairbows. I make them myself for my own daughter but the majority of children that wear these are little white girls. Why isn't this called a trend? Isn't it an accessory. It's not even a part of the child like their own hair. Is this a distraction? Yes.
"Put your hairbow back in. Leave it alone. No don't take it out. Where is your bow? Don't take it out again." I've said every last one of these to my daughter and we've stopped wearing them as much because of it. However, I've also said it over and over to other children.
Oh and it could especially be a huge distraction when the bow is twice as big as the child's head. Oh, but this is okay. It's normal. It's cute. It matches the outfit. It's what we are used to. It's what the "majority" wants and accepts. The bigger the bow the bigger the social status? Hmmm.

But we've got adults instilling in kids a sense of shame and guilt over their African American hair. Way to go America. We're doing a fabulous job of embracing diversity and encouraging a positive sense of self. We are not only teaching this negative self image to little black girls and boys but also encouraging other ethnic/racial groups of children to grow up believing something is wrong, unnatural, ugly, not normal and so on and so on about African American hair. Pushing the opinion of future leaders that if it doesn't look like me, it's not right. This is discrimination. This discrimination can plant little tiny seeds of indifference, which could lead to hate, which could lead conflict, and even racism. So just what exactly are we encouraging?

The Boston Explosions

It's so hard to understand why so many horrific acts happen in the world and why people are filled with so much hatred and violent tendencies.  It's heartbreaking knowing that so many lives will forever be affected by this senseless tragedy as well as the many others that we have faced.  After witnessing traumatic events like this, it always puts things into a better perspective.  Life becomes a little more precious, a little more valuable, and just a little more meaningful.  I pray that God will lift them up in this time of need.  I pray that He provides healing and peace in the hearts and minds of these families affected by the explosions.

Apparently There Are Snakes on a Plane- Man Hits Child on Delta Plane

A man. A white man. A drunken white man...This man slapped a baby, a black baby, and called him the N-word. I need to stop right now and give God thanks and praise that I was not the mother of the child on that plane. Because my flesh would have risen out of me like hot lava about to erupt out of a volcano. They would have had to bind, tape and gag me on that plane. Oh and the lawyer is saying this is not a racial thing and her client has some other issues that will come out later. Is that supposed to make what he did ok or a little less brutal? The minute he uttered the N-word, it became a race issue. Let me tell you something, everyone has problems. They are inevitable. Our life is filled with problems and new ones are breeding everyday. I bet he didn't take his "problems" out on a grown man or, better yet, a grown black man and called him that. He decided to take it out on a vulnerable child and his mother. I can't even imagine what was going through her mind while she was coming to the aide of her child. She handled it very well, a little too well. I wished she would have knocked him out, but she did what was right. The hearts of man are already hard to tame but when that heart is tinted with racism against any race, ethnicity, or culture...well, that's not so easy to get rid of. Everyone isn't racist but it is a LEARNED behavior. Be careful what you do. You don't know who or what you may be teaching the next generation. It's a shame it's 2013 and we are not that far from where we started. Racism is just swept under the rug. We pretend it's not there and everything is better until someone lifts it up and exposes it, once again.